Friday, May 25, 2012

If a YA Author Wrote Your Love Life...

Some vaguely spoiler-y details of popular YA romances contained herein! Proceed with caution!

Let’s face it: sometimes we YA authors give our characters pretty crazy love lives.  Not like my ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend threw a pizza at my car crazy, but like we are all literally going to die crazy.  And while these are awesome to read about, they might be terrible to actually experience.

Let’s see here:

If Cassandra Clare wrote your love life:

--Chances are there’s a boy who’s very sarcastic and likes to lean against things.
--You and this boy will have some very steamy kisses...
--...which will probably be interrupted by demons and/or a vengeful family member intent on ending you.

If John Green wrote your love life:

--Your love interest is terminally ill or predisposed toward car accidents.
--Or the person you like is way cooler than you.

--Either way, you’re probably not going to end up together, but you will be wiser for the experience.  Which isn’t much consolation when you’re going to be alone for the rest of the year.

If Maureen Johnson wrote your love life:
--There’s a really cute guy around, who’s fun and quirky!
--But you can’t date him because he’s spoken for/your brother/policeman of the dead.
--But, hey, there’s also a really cute girl around!

If Sarah Dessen wrote your love life:
--You’ve met your soul mate!
--Wait, this guy might not be your soul mate after all...
--But everyone loves bittersweet goodbyes, right?

If Markus Zusak wrote your love life:
--You get the girl.
--But you had to join a fight club/run mysterious errands/die in the middle of the street.
--And Death peeps in on you getting your swerve on.  Creepy, Death.  Voyeur much?

If Stephenie Meyer wrote your love life...wait, that one’s obvious.  Next!

If Suzanne Collins wrote your love life:
--You are probably very hungry.
--Oh, and you’re probably trying to kill each other...
--But it’s okay, because someday you can have Vietnam flashbacks together.

If Francine Pascal wrote your love life:
--You and your twin will inevitably kiss the same boy. And then write about it in a secret diary.

--Don't Go Home With John.
--Watch out for that doppelganger!  She’s crashing the New Year's Eve Party!  With a knife!  And holy crap, is she wearing your dress too?!

And, finally, if I wrote your love life:
--You have radiation poisoning.
--But dashing uniforms crushed against your corset!  *squee*
--Oh, but ze angst.  She is strong within you.

Are there any authors I missed that make awesomely crazy love lives for their characters?  What would my love life look like if you wrote it?

Bethany Hagen is a young adult author living in Kansas with her husband and two children. When she's not reading or writing, she's chasing tiny people around her house or rearranging her bookshelves. Her debut YA novel, Landry Park, comes out from Dial in Fall of 2013.


  1. LOL! Great post.
    If I wrote your love life, it would involve many cupcakes ;)

  2. LOL love this. If I wrote your love life, there'd be some serious angst. or Beastality (see my first very trunked novel.). Great post, Bethany. :)

    1. I can understand the deviant sex life--I think there's usually some instance of incest in all of my novels. Although one was about King Arthur, so that was not my fault :)

  3. bahaha love this. What about Richelle Mead???
    -You'd fall in love with your teacher, then he'd turn evil and you'd pretend to like him while pinning for your evil ex lover only to be thrown in jail and almost die....?

    1. That's so funny, Angela! I've never read any of her books, but now I'm really intrigued....

  4. you'd pretend to love someone else*** is what I meant. lol.

  5. I love this, Bethany! The parts about Stephenie Meyer and the HUNGER GAMES flashbacks especially cracked me up.

    I need to go check out your LANDRY PARK synopsis again so I can see why there's radiation poisoning AND corsets!!! Intriguing...

    1. We should make this a requisite for all YA writers who have a romance subplot...

  6. I totally LOVE this. You provided me with my laughter of the day :)

    If I wrote your love life you'd probably be in love with 3 different boys - kiss one, sleep with one and run away with another. Oh dear.

    1. Hey, I don't mind there being three boys. Yum.

  7. Brilliant post. LOVED that last angst-line. PLEASE write my love life. (Radiation poisoning? Who cares!)

    If I wrote your love life, you'd meet a cute rich boy who falls off his horse and gets a concussion the day you meet him. And then you'd find out he opposed the rebellion you were a part of, and you'd have a last kiss on the battlefield before he left you heartsick.

    This post was such a "yes." Thanks for helping make my day. =D

    ~Riv Re
    Riv Reads

    1. Riv, that sounds like a perfect love life! Who could complain?

  8. OMG so much funny today! Love, love, love this post!

  9. If I wrote your love life, one boy would want to inhabit your body, the other drink your blood and perhaps a third would inject you with crazy methamphetamine before smashing your pelvis to pieces.

    Doesn't that sound like fun??

    Great post :)

  10. Awesome post. If I wrote your love life you'd be unshowered and living in the woods with the boy you like hiding from people who want to kill you.

  11. Great post, Bethany! I'd think it's pretty safe to say that none of us want any YA author touching our love life. :)

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